Sunday, November 28, 2010

Emotions and At Peace?

Ok, you remember the roller coaster of emotions I told you about? Well, they have started. They aren't horrible right now. We are starting to snap at each other a little bit more. We don't mean it, but it just happens. We know what is going on so we apologize right after.

I have also cried a few more times the past week. I think with Thanksgiving just passing that everything is really sinking in. The Marine will be gone very soon. I think being on the other side of Thanksgiving makes it more real. I'm glad that we have Christmas together, but I know it's going to be hard and emotional. And I hate that.

I chatted with a friend the other day on IM and he asked me, "Are you at peace with this deployment?" It had been a couple of weeks since I had talked to him. I'm sure he was trying to be nice and was trying to find a way to see if I was ok. But that question just bothered me. I have had, "How are you doing?", "Is everything ok", or "Do you need anything or any help?" Those don't really bother me, but "...at peace..." It's not like the Marine has passed away. No, I'm not at peace with this deployment. I wasn't at peace with the last one. Honestly, I'm not sure why he ask me that way, because it wasn't like I was freaking out when we talked. I just told him and we talked a bit. He asked how I was doing, I said "Ok."

I told him, I wasn't at peace, but that I was accepting the deployment and it was going to happen no matter what. It's not like we can do much about the deployment. I also said I was more numb than anything. I guess that's how I deal.

I think I may need to take a step back from this friend. When I told him the Marine was leaving and told him what he would be doing, he told me that the Government would protect him well. And that it's sad that they would spend hundreds of thousands of dollars to protect my Marine while the Grunts weren't taken care of. WHAT? Did you just say that to me! It's not like the Marine is the Commandant of the Marine Corps! I did tell him he wasn't going to be guarded, and that he may only have a handful of Marines that he's working with. So they weren't going to spend anymore money on my Marine than any other troop that is over there. I wish people would think before they speak sometimes.

So it's been a bit of a week. I'll get through it. I know the emotions will just get worse then better and that I will always have to deal with people that think they know what's going on but don't with the military. It's just another week.

Monday, November 22, 2010

Dance, Dance, Dance!

Ok, finally a post about dance! I know everything has been about the the deployment. I just spent the weekend at Greensboro, NC at DTI. DTI is a dance competition. They also have have master classes, so it was a well rounded weekend of dance!

I took some great classes! I was able to take a Musical Theatre Class, the teacher was in the Fosse Tour in 2003-2004 and he was a dance captain. He taught us part of the the trumpet solo from Sing, Sing, Sing. It was so good to do Fosse again! I also took two great lyrical/comptemporary classes, a jazz class, and one Bollywood class. I had always wanted to try Bollywood! It was great to take classes again. There is something about taking a classes, it rejuvenates you. It definitely gave me ideas for my classes and even gave me ideas for choreography!

So not only did I take classes, but I watched my dancers perform and I watched tons of other dancers from other dance schools. I saw some amazing dancers and dance pieces. My dancers did great! We did have a music mishap, for whatever reason the CD wouldn't work even though we tested before we left. Luckily, I had my Ipod, with the cut version, so we just hooked it up and the girls danced their hearts out! They didn't let it get to them! They were awesome!

Many of the dance pieces were very moving and beautiful. There was one piece that the sister studio of the school I teach for did, and it made me cry. I actually saw the piece about a month and half ago. I knew what it was about, and the meaning behind it. But now, it has a different meaning for me. It's to a song called One Moment More by Mindy Smith. Here is the song on YouTube, .

The choreographer created this for her Senior Company, half of them are graduating and moving on, the other half are staying because they aren't done with school. The group is really close, and this is a very emotional and personal piece for them. Well, the movement and emotion the dancers put into it hit home with me with my Marine leaving. The younger dancers don't want the older dancers to go, so there are parts where they are clinging onto their partners, or they step up to hug their partner and the older dancer steps away. On the inside, I feel like doing some of the things they did in the dance. It's a beautiful piece and I think many people can relate to it in their own way.

The weekend was a great weekend. It was made fantastic to be moved by a piece, and that is part of what dancing and art in general is about about.

On that note, I'll leave you with this. "Dancing with the feet is one thing, but dancing with the heart is another." ~anonymous

The Dancer

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Roller Coaster of Emotions

So things have been good for the most part this week. I have had a few sad moments, but I broke down for a little while today. It just came out of no where.

We have had a nice relaxing weekend. We have been spending more time together, and doing things on our "To Do List Before the Marine Leaves." The Marine asked me if I wanted to go with him on to go get his weekly haircut. Normally, I wouldn't, but today and the next few months I probably will. It's about 40 minutes total in the car there and back that we get to be with each other. We like it. Anytime is better than no time. We talked about what we might want to do when he gets back. We thought Florida was a good idea. We also talked about what we might want to do for R&R.

I didn't break down until after he left the car and went inside to get his hair cut. Basically, once he shut the door I started crying. It wasn't a sobbing cry. The tears just started streaming out of my eyes and kept coming. I decided to let them just come, I don't really want to hold them in all the time. Which I do sometimes, well most of the time. I don't like crying. I hate the way it makes my head feel, it messes with my sinuses. Plus, I want people to think I'm strong and of course I have it in the back of my mind that tears=weakness. Even though I know that's not the case! I was done crying by the time he was done with his haircut, and I felt better. I just needed to get them out.

This is normal, it's called the Roller Coaster of Emotions. Everyone goes through it differently. There can be shock, sadness, anger, guilt, distancing yourself from loved ones, the service member can be excited about going, etc. Our last deployment I don't think I was able to go through the roller coaster, it all happened so fast! This time I am pretty sure that I am going through the emotions. I know it's ok, and I know I will be ok.

I told my friend Jojo the other day, "Some days will be good, some will be ok, and then some will just suck. Those days I'll have my pity party day, and then I'll put my big girl panties on and keep living life." It's what I have to do. I have to keep living, I have to keep getting up in the morning. I have to keep moving forward. I also can't let those bad days happen more than the the good ones. If that's happening to you or anyone you know, seek help! Talk to your friends, family, doctor, a counselor, chaplain, etc. Just talking to someone can make all the difference in the world.

So I had a rough half hour earlier, but I feel better. I needed to get that out of me. Who knows when the next moment will be, but I know I'm ok and I will be ok through this whole process. And that is all that matters.

The Dancer

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Semper Gumby

The Marine Corps has a moto, Semper Fi, Always Faithful. The families of Marines have adapted that moto to, Semper Gumby, Always Flexible.

We just found out that the Marine is deploying. We knew he would go sometime, but they had said it would be awhile before he would go. So this is a bit of a surprise, but not unexpected because I know things can and will change with the USMC. It just happened that a spot opened up that is in his rank. So he heads off sometime in 2011.

This has changed our mind set for the next few months and some of our plans. This is why families use Semper Gumby. You kind of have to expect the unexpected sometimes.

When the Marine told me about it, I laughed. It wasn't an, "OMG, this is so funny!" laugh. It was a, "this is ironic laugh." It's amazing how this deployment is mirroring the last deployment. He'll be doing a similar job, it's the same length (a freaking long time!) At least it's not like the first one where he came home and said, "So, I'm deploying"

I ask, "When?" In my head I was thinking Oh, we have a few months to get ready for it.

He replies with, "I leave in 10 days." Yep, with those words I started crying. Well, actually I tried to hold them back, but as I sat there and tired not to cry they just starting building up. Then they just started pouring out!

The Marine said that laughter was better than crying. Right now, I'm doing pretty good. Sometimes, I have a sad moment, like when I'm alone in the car driving, too much time to think! I'm sure that as time goes on and we get closer to the deployment my emotions will be a roller coaster. We'll get through this, like last time. We just have to take one day at a time, and to roll with the punches.

So Semper Gumby!

The Dancer

Friday, July 30, 2010

The Dancer & the Marine

I know the title of this is a bit reminiscent of the TV movie The Princess and the Marine. If you haven't seen it, don't worry you aren't missing out on too much. I must admit that our life has probably turned out a bit more charmed than the original Princess and Marine.

I'm the Dancer and I'm married to the Marine. We are both from Casper, Wy. We like to joke that we both came from the wrong side of town, because we went to rivaling high schools. His career in the USMC has taken us from to 29 Palms, CA., Yokosuka, Japan, Quantico, VA., and currently Jacksonville, NC. Every place we have been I have been able to be part of the community through dance. Sometimes it's teaching dance, sometimes it's volunteering at the local high school, and other times it's being involved in with the local community theatres. My friend said that I am a great ambassador for the arts and it's great that I work with kids where ever I go. When he told me that it touched my heart. While I know and feel that this is what I am suppose to be doing, it's great to hear things like that from friends and family.

This blog will be about my life as a dancer and of course my relationship with my husband and the lifestyle we live because of the USMC.

Theatre and dance have made some of the hardships I have faced because of the military lifestyle a little easier. I learned that I have a built in family where ever I go. It doesn't matter how old they are, who they are, or what state or country they live in, we all have a common interest and love for theatre and dance. And that's all that matters.

I'll leave you with this.

"We should consider every day lost in which we have not danced at least once." Nietzsche, philosopher